Parental Issues With Adult Children in Their 20s
New Jersey Therapist and Life Coach, Marlton NJ, Voorhees NJ, and Cherry Hill NJ (856) 352-5428) Contact NJTLC
If you are a parent, you may face unexpected challenges as your children grow into adulthood. While childhood and adolescence are somewhat predictable in their developmental milestones, an adult child in their 20s is not. You may be surprised to learn that your adult child in their 20s still requires emotional support, or even financial assistance. If you’ve experienced this or are experiencing it now, you know that this can create tension in your relationship. When should I expect my child to be independent?
Financial Dependence
In today’s economy and job market, a common problem is financial dependence. Young adults can face a myriad of financial challenges, including the need to repay student loans, cover the cost of housing, and navigate a difficult job market. You will likely feel a sense of obligation to help, but you may also become frustrated due to the financial strain that can result.
If this issue isn’t addressed openly, it can lead to feelings of guilt in the child and frustration in the parent. Striking a balance between support and responsibility is crucial. Learn to set boundaries and expectations. Don’t let them sit in their room playing video games with their friends for hours on end, or sit on the couch watching Netflix and scrolling on their phone.
Freedom and Autonomy
A problem with the boundaries of autonomy can arise. As a parent, you want to protect and advise your kids, but your adult child may interpret this as controlling. In their 20s, young adults are still defining who they are (self-discovery), learning more about relationships, and making life decisions. You need to shift from directive authority to respectful guidance and learn to offer input without demanding compliance. This can be a challenging task.
Communication
Communication breakdowns often happen. You may stick to old habits of lecturing or criticizing, while adult children may shut down or pull back. To communicate effectively, you need to practice active listening and validation. Do you have the patience it may take to do this? Keep in mind that having more adult-to-adult conversations can help reinforce trust and reduce problems.
The Age Gap
Cultural and generational differences add another layer of complexity. Many of you grew up with different values around work, marriage, and responsibility. Your adult children may prioritize mental health, work-life balance, or less traditional paths (you know, those we gave up when we had to get a job!), Your child may appear lazy or irresponsible. Working through this requires your openness to generational change.
Being Enmeshed
Emotional enmeshment can also be a problem. You may continue to lean too heavily on your children for “friendship” or support. This is nice, but it does blur the lines between parent and friend. This can confuse a child who is trying to establish independence. You need to have your own network of friends and not rely too heavily on being friends with your child.
A significant problem can arise from differing expectations regarding school and work. You may expect your child to finish school, get a job, or get married by a certain age, but the realities of modern adulthood delay these milestones. Recognize that progress does not always follow a linear path. Be careful to avoid showing disappointment. This can be unhelpful and demotivating.
Social Media as Real Life
Social media also has a significant influence on things these days. You may struggle to understand the role of an online lifestyle, remote work, or online relationships in your child’s life. Instead of dismissing this, you need to learn about them to connect better and avoid widening the generational gap. One client said, “My online life IS my real life. They flow from one to the other, and both have a significant impact on me.”
To work through these problems, you must be both flexible and empathetic. You should reflect on your own fears—such as the fear of your child failing —and avoid projecting this onto your child. However, it is equally important to teach your child about the sacrifices you have made. Today, many adult children feel entitled to a certain quality of life. They must understand what gratitude is and learn to appreciate the help and guidance you provide.
Improving Your Connection
At its core, the goal is to build a new type of relationship with your adult children, one based on mutual respect, open communication, and healthy boundaries. By working on your communication, setting clear expectations, and maintaining boundaries, you and your children can break free from old patterns and form a more lasting, supportive connection that leads to personal growth.
How Therapy and Life Coaching Can Help
We have worked with many parents and adult children to assist in this process. Therapy and life coaching can play a decisive role in helping both you and your child. Here are several ways we help a child in this situation:
1. Identity Formation
In their 20s, many young adults struggle with the questions, “Who am I?” and “What do I want in life?” Therapy and life coaching offer a safe and non-judgmental space to explore these questions. A therapist and coach can help in clarifying personal values, strengths, and goals. We focus on increasing confidence and a clear sense of self.
2. Managing Depression and Anxiety
The pressure to succeed, financial problems, and relationships gone bad can trigger anxiety and depression in all of us. Younger adults are particularly susceptible to having these issues. At NJTLC, your therapist can teach you coping strategies, such as mindfulness, cognitive restructuring, and stress management techniques, that reduce symptoms and improve your daily functioning.
3. Improving Communication Skills
Many young adults struggle to express themselves clearly without conflict. Therapy can help them learn to communicate assertively, set boundaries, and manage their emotions, leading to better communication between you and them.
4. Careers and Academics
Uncertainty about education and jobs can be a continuing source of tension. Therapy can address emotional blocks—such as fear of failure, self-doubt, and perfectionism—that prevent forward progress. This can help a young adult take practical steps toward graduation, finding a job, and moving out on their own.
5. Developing Independence and Learning to Set Good Boundaries
Therapy and life coaching help clients identify areas where they are overly dependent, while also teaching them how to establish healthy boundaries. This supports growth toward autonomy without completely cutting off your guidance and emotional support.
6. Healing from Family Trauma
Some difficulties in the 20s can be rooted in family dynamics that began in childhood. This might involve issues like enmeshment, overprotection, or unresolved childhood trauma. Through therapy, young adults can work through these experiences, understand how they affect their current struggles, and start to break unhealthy patterns.
7. Relationship Guidance
We don’t get a rulebook on how to build a healthy relationship when we are born. Our rulebook was watching and learning from how our parents were. Whether it’s dating, friendships, or workplace issues, relationships are central. Therapy helps the client understand their attachment style, improve conflict resolution skills, and learn how to choose healthy, supportive relationships.
8. Building Resilience and Coping Skills
Life in the 20s is often unstable—your child may get laid off (or fired!), their relationships may change, and living situations may change. A therapist and life coach helps young adults build resilience by teaching problem-solving skills, reframing setbacks as opportunities for growth, and identifying their inner strengths.
9. Balancing Parental and Personal Expectations
Many clients in their 20s struggle with the pressure to please others (you!) and stay true to themselves. Through therapy and coaching, individuals can learn to manage their expectations and be respectful, allowing them to live authentically without feeling guilty about disappointing their parents.
10. Support a Healthier Parent-Child Relationship
In certain situations, therapy can include family or parental sessions. These can help teach better communication, reframe expectations, and enable you to accept your child as an adult rather than a teen. This lays the foundation for a lifelong, adult-to-adult relationship.
Contact NJTLC by clicking here or calling (856) 352-5428.