Why We Fear Change and How to Overcome It
New Jersey Therapy and Life Coaching, Voorhees NJ, Marlton NJ, and Cherry Hill NJ (856) 352-5428 Contact NJTLC
Throughout our lifetimes, change is inevitable and frequent. However, some of us fear change and go to great lengths to avoid it. We may switch jobs, end a relationship, move, or feel the need to adjust our lifestyle as we age.
Change can lead to anxiety, doubt, and discomfort. While working with clients in therapy, particularly in life coaching, I have witnessed how deeply rooted our fear of change can be. In sessions, we define change, confront it head-on, and learn to live with it and even embrace it. You’re kidding, right? No, I've seen my clients change in various ways to improve their lives and find greater happiness.
Loving What’s Familiar
However difficult our current circumstances may be, your brain tends to prefer what is familiar. We tend to seek the safest course, rather than the best course. We are wired like this to enhance our ability to survive. Today, however, we do not need to hide in caves so that sabertooth tigers don’t eat us! Survival instincts can hold us back from personal growth and true happiness. Changing your life requires CHANGE.
The Pain of Anticipation
One of the most interesting realities about change is that people often spend more time suffering from anticipation than from the actual change itself. We imagine countless negative outcomes, replay worst-case scenarios, and convince ourselves that disaster is just around the corner. Yet when change finally arrives, many people discover that it is far more manageable than they expected. In therapy and life coaching, we work to separate realistic concerns from imagined catastrophes so that fear no longer dictates important life decisions.
Another challenge is that change often requires letting go of an old identity. A person leaving an unfulfilling career may wonder, "Who am I without this job?" Someone ending a long-term relationship may question their future and sense of self. Even positive changes can involve a sense of loss. Growth requires us to leave behind familiar versions of ourselves and step into uncertainty. While this process can feel uncomfortable, it also creates opportunities for self-discovery, confidence, and personal fulfillment that would otherwise remain out of reach.
The good news is that courage does not mean feeling fearless. Courage means taking action despite fear. Many of the happiest and most successful people I have worked with were not free from anxiety when making major life changes. They simply refused to allow fear to make their decisions for them. As they moved forward, step by step, their confidence grew. Confidence is often the result of action, not the prerequisite for it.
Anxiety
Change brings uncertainty, and uncertainty can trigger anxiety. When we face life challenges, our minds often spiral into “what ifs”: What if this choice makes things worse? What if I regret this change? This anticipatory anxiety isn’t a sign that something bad will happen—it’s a sign that your brain is trying to prepare for all outcomes, even the unlikely ones. We can catastrophize and expect the worst. To reduce the power these thoughts hold, you must be mindful and aware of your thoughts and feelings.
Anxiety can lead us to avoid loss instead of acquiring gains. Even when a change can improve our lives, we get stuck worrying about what we might lose. We remain in stale relationships, mediocre jobs, or continue certain maladaptive behaviors because what is familiar is safer and easier than changing.
Is Comfortable Really Comfortable?
Continuing in what feels like our “comfort zone” may not actually feel comfortable. Weird. We remain the same, even if we’re unhappy. Change seems beyond our reach. Finding happiness often requires us to intentionally change our behaviors, routines, and perspectives. Even though your thoughts may be holding you back, if you desire happiness, you must be willing to challenge them.
We can get stuck in fear of change. When this happens, consider all options. Take a moment to ask yourself if your fear is real. Will what you fear most take place? When we catastrophize, we think and feel certain that the worst will happen. When my clients are catastrophizing, I ask them to consider three questions: What is the best that can happen? What is the worst that can happen? What is most likely to happen? The odds are usually in favor of "most likely."
Many people discover that what they once considered a comfort zone was actually a zone of limitation. They were not comfortable at all. They were simply familiar with their discomfort. There is a significant difference. Staying in an unhappy relationship, a dead-end career, or a pattern of self-doubt may feel predictable, but predictability is not the same as fulfillment. Sometimes growth requires us to tolerate temporary discomfort in exchange for long-term satisfaction and happiness.
The Freedom to Change
However, when it comes to changing the things most significant in our lives, fear can lead us to “freeze up.” Clients report feeling so anxious and fearful that they freeze, unable to decide either way. Getting feedback from those you trust can help free you and lead you to decide to change. Keep in mind that there is no deadline for you to change.
Take time to consider all options and choose what makes the most sense. In life coaching, we take things one step at a time, evaluating each step as we move forward. This helps clients become accustomed to change without becoming overwhelmed.
Sometimes, the changes we plan to make don’t happen exactly as expected. It is essential to remain flexible and mindful as you move forward. Be careful to avoid self-criticism. Change often takes time, and setbacks are a normal part of the process. Be visionary. Set goals that lead to greater success, fulfillment, and happiness in all aspects of your life. The willingness to embrace change may ultimately become one of the most important decisions you ever make.See Owning Your Life.