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What Is My Responsibility in My Relationship?
Each day, as a partner in a relationship, you make decisions regarding your responsibilities in the relationship. You likely don’t even realize you are doing it. Sometimes we lose ourselves in our relationship, whether because our need for love and affection becomes a need rather than a want. We seek to be fused with our partner, in hopes that by becoming one with them, you will feel the unconditional love you may seek.
But responsibility in a relationship isn’t about losing your individual identity. Yes, romantic movies and television suggest that becoming one with your partner is the goal. You have a responsibility to attend to yourself - to manage your own emotional well-being so that unresolved personal issues don’t undermine the relationship. When both partners take ownership of their own issues, emotional intimacy grows.
Self-Awareness as the Foundation
How well do you know yourself? What triggers you? What core beliefs shape how you see your partner’s behavior? Are you mindful and able to recognize your emotions in the moment? In a session last week, my client, when discussing how to have a healthy relationship, brought up what the poet Rilke wrote about. He writes that each partner must self-reflect and do their personal work to have a healthy relationship.
Personal growth is essential, and it takes time to recognize what needs work and to change your thinking and behaviors. Partners who practice “self-reflection” build a stronger, more stable relationship. Rather than getting stuck in the trap of “my partner should change,” you have self-awareness and are intentional in your behaviors. This change fundamentally changes the dynamic in the relationship.
Communicate Clearly
Communicating with each other is another responsibility. This means speaking honestly and compassionately. Many people expect their partner to intuitively know what they need (mind-reading), but Rilke believes that we each exist in our own universe, not in our partner’s. Expecting them to know what we need without clear communication is a mistake many of us make. This leads to unmet expectations, and as we’ve shared in the blog post “Mind Reading”, unmet expectations almost always lead to unhappiness.
Being honest when you communicate can sometimes take courage—the willingness to bring up difficult issues. The truth, and hearing things that may be uncomfortable, may be hard to share or to hear, but to grow and become more emotionally intimate, it is essential to be honest and open to hearing what your partner has to say. How you communicate matters as much as what you say. Your timing and tone are important to consider. Speak with compassion and care so that your partner actually hears you without becoming defensive.
Learn to Regulate Your Emotions
You must recognize that you need to take responsibility for your emotions and for how you act (or react) to them. It is okay to feel your feelings, but can you do so mindfully and with awareness? How you express feelings can significantly impact the relationship. Even a pause before responding can prevent an argument. We teach this to our clients, as adding a pause before speaking can make a world of difference. Pausing means slowing down to understand why you are feeling the way you do. This helps you act rather than react when talking to your partner.
When arguments occur—and they will—working to repair any damage to the relationship is an important and necessary responsibility if you hope to be connected to and be a loving partner. This isn’t about blame or keeping score. It’s about accountability, acknowledging what you contributed to the problem, and working together to resolve and repair it. When couples successfully navigate repair, trust will strengthen over time.
Relationship Maintenance
To grow and improve, your relationship must be actively tended to. What does that mean? The relationship needs consistent attention and expressions of affection. Establish rituals that are meaningful to both of you. Prioritize shared time and do things that you both enjoy. Be deliberate about creating a connection rather than letting time simply pass.
Boundaries
Having healthy boundaries in your relationship doesn’t keep you apart. Walls do. Rilke discusses the importance of maintaining individuality within relationships, and boundaries allow you both the space you need to grow and change as individuals. When boundaries are respected, your relationship will feel secure and not “constrictive.”
Supporting Your Partner’s Individual Growth
Supporting your partner’s growth as a person is also a responsibility. You should genuinely want your partner to reach their full human potential. Rilke believed that authentic love is protective—meaning you’re not trying to change your partner to be more of what you would want them to be. You accept and support them as they are, not as you wish they would be.
Maintaining Hope
Rilke suggests that relationships mature when both people consistently show up, take responsibility, and continue putting effort into maintaining them. When couples do this work, the relationship becomes a place where partners can develop as individuals while maintaining connection and allowing for further growth. Both partners share the responsibility of sustaining hope—having the confidence that you can navigate challenges, learn from each other, and continue to choose the relationship each day.