Desire and Regret
New Jersey Therapist and Life Coach, Marlton NJ, Voorhees NJ, and Cherry Hill NJ (856) 352-5428) Contact NJTLC
Cathy called, crying. She had cheated, and her husband discovered the affair. One of the first things she said was, “We’re hiding it from the kids.” The children were both girls, one sixteen years old and the other eleven. It became clear that both she and her husband wanted to stay together to preserve their family.
Her husband also needed counseling, and he came in and began working with our best therapist. He wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to stay. He was talking it out, trying to sort through his feelings. As a technology professional, he became suspicious and began to investigate his wife’s online and phone usage. He was devastated at the discovery that she was having an affair with a man under her supervision at work.
Why?
Our work focused on her history, as she was the oldest of three. Her mother left when she was eleven, and her father assigned her as her brother’s caretaker. She was expected to do everything—cooking, doing laundry, and helping them with their homework. She saw no choice and did as she was told. Being a child herself, she did not understand why she had become a mother, and why it was wrong for her father to ask her to take on such a responsibility.
Being set up as a caregiver from such a young age, she had to sacrifice her own needs to care for her father and two brothers. She didn’t know of anything else. Life was difficult, and it was her responsibility to make it better for those around her.
Fulfilling a Need You Didn’t Know You Had
She revealed to me that she had had many online and in-person emotional affairs. With both men and women, she allowed herself to indulge in intrigue and flirtation. As a caregiver, others were drawn to her sense of duty—that if needed, she would be there to help them. These relationships, she revealed, fulfilled a need she never knew she had.
She discovered that emotional relationships outside of her marriage were far more potent and exciting than her relationship with her husband. Having a husband who expected her to take care of him and their two children continued her caregiving nature, but left her feeling empty and unloved. Her emotional affairs, she said, were not unlike those found in romantic novels. Early on, she said to me, “I have a problem.”
Soon, she began revealing more about Jason, the man she had been sleeping with. She said the flirtation between them became so intense that she crossed the line, entering into a sexual relationship with him. “We only had sex on work trips,” she told me. I spent considerable time educating her about sex and love addiction, but she brushed it off, saying she was not an addict.
Shame and Guilt
When she came to see me, she was often in tears. The guilt and shame she felt about her current and past behaviors overwhelmed her. We addressed self-judgment and the reality that sometimes our needs do not line up with our values. She said that time with Jason was almost dreamy. She did not have to care for him; he gave of himself, and, she admitted, the sex was better with Jason than with her husband.
In therapy, Cathy and I started to explore her “problem” more deeply. Although she resisted calling it sex and love addiction, she eventually recognized the pattern: the rush of secrecy, the emotional high from attention, the brief satisfaction, and the inevitable crash into shame and fear. These weren't just isolated events—they were compulsions based on old wounds. By identifying this cycle, Cathy was able to step back and see the larger picture of what was really happening.
We also focused heavily on boundaries. Cathy realized how quickly innocent connections could turn into risky situations, especially when workplace dynamics are involved. She practiced saying no to flirtation and redirecting conversations when attraction surfaced. For the first time, she started to see desire not as something to fear or indulge in recklessly, but as something to recognize and manage in a way that aligns with her values.
Can It Be Fixed?
Her husband, too, entered therapy to work through his betrayal trauma. He needed space to process his grief and rage, but also guidance in determining whether reconciliation was truly what he wanted. In joint sessions, our marriage counselor, Yamillis, helped the couple communicate openly—without minimizing, denying, or spiraling into blame. Healing did not come overnight, but the willingness to engage in these painful conversations became their first step back toward trust.
As Cathy confronted her past, she began to realize how much her caregiving identity had consumed her life. From childhood to adulthood, she had always been the one to hold others up, but rarely the one to be held. These affairs, she finally admitted, were never about love or even lust—they were about feeling seen, valued, and desired. Once she faced this truth, she began to grieve her lost childhood and learn what it meant to nurture herself in healthier ways.
Desire in itself is not wrong. It is part of being human. The trouble arises when unmet needs, unresolved childhood wounds, and bad boundaries make desire into something destructive. Cathy’s story shows that infidelity is rarely about simple attraction—it is about past wounds, and escaping from emotional burdens we never learned how to heal from. For her, the healing came not from hiding or denying, but from confronting her past, owning her choices, and learning new ways to connect.
For couples dealing with betrayal, recovery can be long and uncertain. However, as Cathy and her husband discovered, healing is achievable through honesty, patience, and proper support. Therapy offers not just a space to rebuild trust but also to understand that past experiences can lead to destructive behavior patterns. If you're facing temptation—or dealing with its aftermath—the way forward isn’t secrecy or self-judgment, but honesty and courage.