At our therapist and life coaching practice, we frequently (always?) see couples who continue to carry past pain and disappointments that have grown over time. Ultimately, couples begin to resent one another. Unfortunately, resenting your partner leads to emotional distance. Your spouse doesn’t want to be hurt again, so she may wall herself off and disappear from the emotional (and sexual) connection you once shared.

We tell clients that holding resentments only hurts them - that holding a resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. And, resentment is a complete waste of valuable energy and time. Does holding a resentment lead to happiness and success?

Resentment: the Relationship Killer

Over time, resentments will slowly erode your relationship. It’s like watching a sand castle cave in on itself. Once beautiful, it has caved inward, becoming nothing but sand. What makes resentment so difficult is that it doesn’t stay in the past—it continues to live in the present, and tarnishes how you see your partner. Healing can only begin by recognizing that the marriage cannot move forward until the old baggage is acknowledged and worked through.

Working Through It

The first step is awareness. Resentment often hides behind sarcasm, withdrawal, or constant criticism, as well as other passive-aggressive behaviors. Many couples don’t realize that these behaviors are really expressions of deeper pain. It appears to be anger, but upon closer examination, we discover that hurt and pain are the underlying causes. In therapy, you need to be open and honest and express to your partner why you were hurt. By naming specific hurts—such as, “I felt alone when you weren’t there for me”—you can begin to move away from anger and blame and more toward the truth. Naming and talking about the problem with your therapist can transform it into something both of you can address and heal from together.

Open Communication

Once resentment is identified, open communication becomes essential. Silence only feeds the cycle. In therapy, we encourage couples to share openly, while also listening with patience and without defensiveness. Validating your partner’s experience—even if you disagree—goes a long way toward healing. Sometimes, simply feeling heard can reduce the intensity of the resentment you carry.

Forgiveness and Acceptance

Forgiveness is another crucial piece. At our practice, we often explain that forgiveness doesn’t excuse hurtful behavior. Instead, it’s a conscious decision to release the grip the past has on your relationship. Forgiveness enables you to stop rehashing the same conflict and start building a healthier connection. Without it, the relationship remains tethered to old wounds. Forgiveness may not come easily or quickly. When you start marriage counseling, we may discuss forgiveness, but we ask that you at least begin to accept what has happened.

Starting Repair Work

Replacing resentment with positive experiences is extremely important. Couples who make time to be together, appreciate each other every day, and celebrate small victories begin to heal. You need to accept the past and learn to forgive so that you can counter painful memories with new, meaningful ones. These positive moments are not about pretending the past didn’t happen—they’re about discovering that your relationship is stronger than your pain.

Clean Up Your Side Of The Street

Resenting your partner does not mean that you are innocent! Sometimes resentments are intensified by our own insecurities, unrealistic expectations, or unresolved issues from childhood. I tell couples that they must both “clean up their side of the street.” When individuals take responsibility for their actions, they empower themselves to make positive changes. In marriage counseling, we help couples identify and overcome these destructive behaviors. Intimacy and connection can then begin to grow once again.

Boundaries

Working protective and external boundaries is an important step in preventing resentment from returning. If the pain stems from repeated behaviors—such as financial issues, neglect, or betrayal—then clear agreements must be established. Boundaries are not punishments. They are commitments that keep partners accountable and build security and safety in the relationship. Your partner needs to trust that you won’t hurt them again.

Having Patience

It’s also important to remember that this process takes time. Resentment doesn’t disappear after one marriage counseling session. Progress usually comes when softer tones, less conflict, or more kindness are used in daily interactions. You must be mindful and aware of the small positive changes in the relationship. Recognize that focusing on positive change leads to greater motivation to continue with it. Focusing on the painful past can be demotivating and keep a couple stuck, unable to make progress. Acknowledge these small shifts, stay motivated to keep moving forward, rather than dwelling on what hasn’t changed yet.

The Benefits of Marriage Counseling

Therapy can be life-changing. In marriage counseling, couples have a judgment-free and supportive environment where they can express painful emotions without fear. We provide tools to untangle old hurts, improve communication, and rebuild a stronger foundation. Seeking help isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a step toward saving and rebuilding your marriage.

Ultimately, overcoming resentment is about choosing connection over justified anger. Every marriage has its disappointments, but couples who actively work on healing and growth can create a stronger bond and a better marriage. By addressing past pain directly, creating new experiences, and practicing forgiveness, you not only repair your past but also build a future filled with trust, closeness, and hope.