Love and Commitment
Therapist and Life Coach Voorhees NJ (856) 352-5428 Contact NJTLC
Last week, I conducted introductory counseling and coaching sessions with two different couples. During our meetings, I observed that they behaved in similar ways. Both couples exhibited overt anger and disrespect toward each other. They appeared to be demonstrating the extent of disrespect and anger within their relationships through their words and tone.
Couples don’t often present for marriage counseling or couples coaching so close to what I believed to be “the end of the line.” Couples come to me with disagreements and dysfunctional ways of communicating. Still, since they are presenting for couples coaching together, the assumption is that both partners have an interest in continuing the relationship. I doubted this was the case with either of these couples.
Couple One
The first couple I met with appeared to be in serious trouble. The man was somewhat quiet, and I got the feeling he did not understand why he was in my office. His fiancé, however, was angry throughout the session and was disrespectful toward him repeatedly. Her need, which appeared to be directly related to her screaming, was for him to change.
She wanted him to share more with her and not stay quiet as much as he does. I learned that she had been mandated to attend anger management counseling two separate times in her life, which, at face value, I could understand. Throughout, the man didn’t quite understand what changes she wanted him to make, and the more she screamed, the more humiliated he became. During the session, very little was accomplished, and I was convinced that I would not see them again.
Couple Two
The second couple communicated more clearly than the first during their session, but not by much. Newly married after a 10-year relationship, they were now arguing much of the time, and the woman expressed feeling disrespected by her spouse. He stated that he wasn’t sure how he was going to continue in the relationship, as she constantly blamed him for things he either didn’t understand or were out of his control. I scheduled return appointments for each couple—one right after the other—to take place today.
Hope?
The woman from couple 2 called me this morning, stating that she was not going to attend the session, that she was so mad at her spouse she didn’t see the point of coming. I didn’t expect Couple 1, who I had scheduled for 8 PM, to show up for their appointment at all. Surprisingly, Couple 1 attended their 8 PM appointment, and the female from Couple 2 joined her spouse in attending the appointment she said she was not going to attend.
This week, it was Couple 2 who behaved badly; they ripped into each other, blamed each other, and threatened divorce (both at some point). We did make progress, and they agreed to work hard on not picking at each other or spitting venom at each other. They also agreed that threatening divorce would no longer be allowed unless they were serious and ready to move forward. They walked in hating each other and left committed to using a few tools aimed at saving their marriage.
Since Couple 1 behaved so poorly during our first session, I met with each party privately for 10 minutes at the beginning of the meeting. I had a question: given how poorly they behaved and treated each other during our first meeting, were they genuinely committed to improving their relationship, or was it already over? Both parties strongly stated that they loved each other and were absolutely committed to the relationship.
I was surprised both times. I learned that love survives even when it seems impossible. Who knew that love and commitment possessed such resiliency? To learn more, visit Marriage Counselor in Voorhees NJ and Marriage Therapy and Relationship Therapy. To help a couple successfully repair and rebuild a relationship, I only need to know that each partner is committed to the other and that both parties are committed to making it work.