Trauma bonding occurs when someone feels deeply attached to a person who also causes them harm. It’s not the same as “being in love”, but it can feel like it. Terribly abusive, a trauma bond can be the result of a mix of abuse and love or kindness, leaving the victim stuck and unable to break free. The first step in getting free is simply recognizing it for what it is. Ask, what is really happening in my relationship?

Cruelty and Affection

In many cases, trauma bonds grow out of unpredictable behavior. The person may swing between cruelty and affection, tearing you down one moment and building you up the next. This back-and-forth creates confusion and gives rise to the hope that things might improve. Over time, your mind and body adapt to this cycle, clinging to the “good moments” and tolerating the bad. What looks irrational from the outside actually makes sense once you understand how survival and attachment work.

Is It Biological?

On a biological level, trauma bonding is tied to how the brain responds to stress and relief. Abuse triggers fear and stress hormones, while reconciliation triggers dopamine and oxytocin—the same “feel good” chemicals tied to love and bonding. This rollercoaster of highs and lows keeps the attachment strong, much like an addiction.

Self-Esteem

Another piece of trauma bonding is how it wears down self-esteem. People in these relationships are often told they’re the problem, unworthy, or incapable of leaving. Over time, those lies can start to feel like the truth. Add in isolation from friends, family, or other support, and it becomes even harder to step away.

What We Tell Ourselves

Some signs of trauma bonding include making excuses for hurtful behavior, feeling guilty about wanting to leave, hoping the other person will change, or returning to the relationship after trying to end it. These patterns don’t mean someone is weak—they show just how powerful trauma bonds can be.

Breaking free takes courage, awareness, and support. It’s about seeing the relationship clearly, telling the difference between love and harm, and building a network of safe people to lean on. Sometimes, making a safety plan is necessary, especially if there is a risk of physical harm. Leaving isn’t just one moment—it’s often a process of healing and rebuilding.

How Therapy Helps

Therapy can play a big role in recovery. A skilled therapist can help unpack how the bond formed, challenge negative beliefs, and build healthier coping tools. Approaches like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), trauma-focused work, or body-based (somatic) therapy can be especially helpful. Therapy also helps break old patterns, reducing the risk of repeating them in future relationships.

Healing also means learning self-care and self-compassion. Many people feel ashamed for staying or for going back. But recovery isn’t about blame—it’s about growth. Setting boundaries, practicing kindness toward yourself, and rebuilding self-worth are all part of the journey.

It can also help to reconnect with supportive relationships outside the toxic bond. Friends, family, or support groups can provide encouragement, perspective, and accountability. Feeling understood and less alone makes it easier to stay committed to the healing process.

Trusting Yourself and Your View of the World

Another key step is rebuilding trust in yourself. Trauma bonding often leaves people doubting their judgment or feeling like they can’t make good choices. By taking small steps—whether setting boundaries, making decisions independently, or practicing self-care—you slowly strengthen your confidence and sense of control.

It’s also normal to hit bumps along the way. Returning to the relationship or doubting yourself doesn’t mean you’ve failed—it means you’re human. Each step of awareness and self-care moves you closer to lasting freedom. Healing is rarely a straight line, but persistence matters more than perfection.

Ultimately, breaking free from trauma bonding is about reclaiming yourself. It’s about living without fear, manipulation, or shame, and building relationships that are grounded in trust, respect, and genuine love. While it may feel impossible at first, healing is possible—and the life waiting on the other side is worth it.