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Understanding Resistance and Learning to Overcome It
Marriage counseling and relationship counseling can significantly improve your relationship. It will help you resolve conflicts (stop fighting!), improve communication, and rebuild emotional and sexual intimacy. Unfortunately, one of the most common problems is when you are ready and willing to come, and your partner refuses. But there are ways to solve this problem! Your spouse may not believe in counseling. That is, counseling isn’t helpful or worth the time and energy. Here are some things to consider when getting your partner to come in.
If you want to change your spouse's mind, you must understand why they resist. Are they afraid of being blamed? Do they think counseling is a waste of time? Have they ever been in therapy themselves? Are they afraid of opening up and looking inside? When you understand why they refuse to come, you can better help motivate them to participate.
When Should I Bring Up Marriage Counseling?
Bringing up counseling during an argument is unlikely to work. Often, your partner will feel blamed and that you think you have all the answers. I recommend discussing counseling with them when you are in a quiet moment. Approach the conversation carefully. You want to avoid defensiveness. Explain your concerns and why you believe therapy will help.
Take Responsibility For Your Side of Things
Instead of saying, “You need therapy,” explain how counseling can help you both. Try saying things like, “I think we deserve to be closer and happier,” or, “I want us to feel more connected, and I think a counselor could help us with that.” This makes counseling sound like a mutual effort rather than a criticism.
Express Your Feelings Without Blaming
Take responsibility. Use “I” statements instead of “you” to help prevent your partner from becoming defensive. You might say, “We’re fighting too much. I feel like we’re struggling to communicate," or, “I’d love for us to work on that together,” instead of, “You never listen to me, and we need therapy to fix it.”
Explain What Counseling Is
Your partner may dismiss your suggestion to attend marriage counseling due to misconceptions. They might believe that marriage and relationship counseling are solely for couples who are about to divorce, or that the therapist will favor one side. Additionally, they may hesitate to see a male or female therapist, thinking the counselor will be biased. For example, they might wonder, “How can another woman understand my perspective?” Explain that therapy focuses on strengthening the relationship rather than merely fixing broken ones, and assure them that a good therapist remains neutral and does not take sides.
Suggest a Trial Run
I always recommend this. If your partner is hesitant, I would suggest attending at least one or two sessions without any commitment. Often, the hardest part is simply getting started. Getting your partner through my door is a success. I always believe that when a couple comes in, they are interested and committed to fixing their relationship. After the first session, the counseling process is demystified. A trial run allows your partner to experience counseling without feeling locked in.
Offer to Work Together to Find the Right Marriage Counselor
Working with the right marriage counselor is crucial to progress and having a positive experience. Could you tell your spouse that you will work together to find the right therapist? This may make them feel more comfortable. You can research therapists together, read reviews, and discuss which approach might feel best for both of you. But don’t be surprised if they resist - “This is your idea, so you take care of it.”
Be Patient
Don’t push too hard. If your partner feels you are forcing them to go, they may flat-out refuse. If they are resistant during your initial discussion, be patient and bring it up again later. This gives them time to think about it and how it might help.
You Go First
If your partner believes therapy doesn’t help, you should attend individual counseling first. They may become more open to going together when they see the positive changes you make from treatment. Leading by example is a great way to introduce your partner to the process and how it can help.
Understanding How They See It
Even though you don’t share their view, try validating your spouse’s feelings about counseling. Tell them you understand why they might be hesitant. However, emphasize the need to address the issues and acknowledge that you haven’t been able to resolve your problems as a couple.
Convincing your reluctant spouse to come for marriage counseling takes patience and skillful communication. The key is to make your partner feel safe, heard, and valued rather than pressured or blamed. Your willingness to approach the conversation with understanding and persistence can motivate them to change their mind.