The Impact of Sibling Rivalry
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When you spend a lifetime comparing yourself to a brother or sister—and judging yourself as a result—it can severely lower your self-esteem and relational abilities. As sibling rivalry often starts at a very young age, the damage it creates is often deeply rooted and difficult to change. I have worked with clients whose identity is fused with this experience. It is as though their whole identity is based on this lifelong comparison.
Sibling rivalry has a profound impact on self-confidence and self-worth. When siblings compete for attention and approval, feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and low self-confidence result. It can also lead to a constant need for validation from others. Additionally, siblings' frequent conflicts and criticisms can contribute to insecurity and self-doubt.
Increased Risk of Mental Health Problems
Sibling rivalry can significantly affect mental health due to the stress and anxiety it causes, starting in childhood. This ongoing competition for attention, love, and approval from parents, teachers, and friends can foster feelings of insecurity and instability. It leads to constant worries about personal value and worth. A sibling might see their brother or sister as better than they are—believing their sibling is smarter, more popular, and more confident. The result is often low self-confidence, poor self-esteem, and a dependence on others for validation.
Research indicates that sibling rivalry can raise the risk of developing mental health issues. The negative emotions tied to sibling rivalry increase the chance of long-term problems like anxiety and depression. What may seem like a minor comparison among siblings can affect a person’s well-being throughout their life.
Early Development of Negative Core Beliefs
When I work with adults deeply affected by sibling rivalry, their negative core belief systems are deeply ingrained. To avoid the negative impact of sibling rivalry in adulthood, it is essential to address it early on to help people develop a positive sense of self. When a young sibling compares himself or herself to the other and believes they aren’t as good as the other, low self-confidence, feelings of inferiority, and feelings of inadequacy take root. This is detrimental as it severely impacts a person’s sense of self, core beliefs, and self-confidence - what they believe about who they are and what they are capable of.
Sibling rivalry can create long-term resentment and strained relationships between siblings. The negative experiences and unresolved conflicts from childhood often carry over into adulthood, resulting in strained relationships and ongoing animosity. This can have a detrimental effect on overall happiness and sense of belonging. Other times, it creates feelings of dependence on siblings - one sibling may feel that they are ‘less than’ the other, and may depend on their brother or sister to protect and guide them.
Sibling rivalry can increase feelings of isolation. When one is constantly at odds with siblings, one may feel excluded or left out, leading to a sense of emotional detachment. This can have detrimental effects on overall mental well-being and the ability to have healthy relationships.
Generational Impact
This problem may also have a generational impact. The competition between siblings can put pressure on their children, making them part of the competition. One sibling's children must be better than the children of the other, pitting cousins against cousins. The children become objectified, and as a result, their lives are negatively affected. The pressure they feel from their parents can lead to various problems, including low self-worth, depression, anxiety, and feeling ‘less than’ or even unloved if they don’t measure up to a parent’s expectations.
Breaking Away and Uncovering Your True Self
When I work with clients whose identity has been affected by sibling rivalry, treatment focuses on building self-worth and uncovering the client’s true self - the self that is underneath the layers of negative self-judgment the client has carried over their lifetime. The goal is to break away from negative self-judgment, find confidence, and most importantly, build a solid and accepting positive core belief system. I advise clients to break away from their negative core beliefs and shed the self-judgment created by sibling rivalry.
Treating self-worth issues resulting from sibling rivalry requires a comprehensive and empathetic approach. It is important to provide clients with the necessary tools and support to develop a strong sense of self-worth that is not dependent on comparisons to their siblings or the validation of others.
The use of positive affirmations and self-reflection exercises is the place to start. The client must identify positive qualities that counteract their negative self-talk (the dialogue that runs in your head) and negative core beliefs. Another crucial aspect of addressing self-worth is promoting individuality. Each person I work with comes in with a unique identity. It’s usually easy for me to see, but difficult for them. We inventory the positive, unique things about them. This helps the client recognize their own identity and value independent of their siblings. When this begins to happen, it’s almost miraculous to see the person who emerges from behind the pain.
Identifying and utilizing a support system outside of the family is essential. As a therapist and coach, I support clients and help them stay on their newfound path. Decades of self-judgment have become their ‘default’, and it is extremely challenging to change. Challenging negative beliefs and self-talk when they arise is key. Understanding and having insight into the problem is the bedrock upon which change can occur.