Stop Judging Yourself. Why It Happens and How to Fix It

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The pain of judging yourself can be debilitating. I have worked with clients who are haunted by almost constant self-judgment. They constantly judge themselves and worry about how others perceive them. We may wall ourselves off as a result, as we protect ourselves from the judgment of others.

We are unable to connect, leaving us feeling alone. Often, the core belief of people who judge themselves harshly is “I’m not good enough.” They feel “less than” other people and may feel like they are a failure.

They struggle to find feelings of self-worth and confidence. The constant echo of self-judgment robs them of living a peaceful, satisfying life. How can you be happy if you rarely feel good about who you are? Working to end self-judgment can be a difficult task.

We all judge ourselves, but some of us compulsively judge ourselves. Our inner world has become saturated with self-hatred. Self-judgment can come about as the result of societal norms, childhood experiences, and personal beliefs.

Societal Norms

Society and our cultural background drive what is considered “normal.” If you do not feel like you fit in, or if you feel others are judging you because you don’t fit in, self-judgment can result. For example, in some cultures, educational and professional success is viewed as essential. Parents can encourage children to excel in math or become great musicians. Professional expectations, such as “you must be a doctor,” can lead to low self-worth if we don’t meet them. This is also present when it comes to sexual orientation.

Personal Beliefs

Personal beliefs can also significantly influence how we judge ourselves. If you hold the belief that making mistakes is entirely unacceptable, you may find yourself in a constant state of self-criticism and dissatisfaction. This mindset can create unnecessary stress and hinder personal growth. On the other hand, recognizing that mistakes are a natural part of being human can be incredibly freeing. Mistakes often serve as important learning opportunities and can lead to positive behavioral changes, helping us improve and evolve in healthier ways. Embracing imperfection allows for a more compassionate self-view and promotes a more balanced, fulfilling life.

Issues in Childhood

One cause of harsh self-judgment is a difficult childhood. Negative mirroring from a caregiver can harm our sense of self-worth. As children, we internalize how our caregivers value us. Children are like sponges, and since they don’t yet understand what self-worth is, they absorb the value placed on them. Those of us who experienced neglect or abuse are likely to be affected by it.

A more subtle message is whether you felt like an annoyance or a failure because you couldn't meet expectations. I often hear my clients say they felt rejected because they were not a great student or athlete. It’s important to consider how your caregivers valued you. Being teased as a child can also contribute to self-judgment.

I have worked with clients who judge themselves as a result of being teased. They have negative core beliefs that they internalized as a child that still affect them as adults.  Also, some of us continue to chase the love and acceptance we didn’t receive when we were young. We try and try, but we never satisfy this need. We may try to prove that we are something greater than who we are.

As we grow older, we can integrate the expectations of others from when we were children into our expectations.  As adults, we do not need to please anyone but ourselves, yet we continue to feel the need to prove ourselves. The expectations of others may form our expectations. We judge ourselves for being unable to meet our own standards. We find ourselves unhappy because we cannot meet the standards we have set for ourselves.

Fighting Off Self-Judgement

To effectively change self-judgment, you must learn to be compassionate and understanding towards yourself. Using your insight and knowledge of the problem allows you to be self-reflective and gives you the ability to challenge your thinking and emotions. Is what I’m thinking about myself true, or am I judging myself because past experiences are clouding my thinking? Be mindful (Aware), and work on acknowledging and accepting your thoughts and emotions.

The Importance of “Self-Talk”

Examine your ‘self-talk.’ Self-talk refers to the internal dialogue we have with ourselves throughout the day. Trying to suppress or ignore negative thoughts and feelings can often make them worse. Instead, recognize that these thoughts and emotions are natural and part of being human. Take a moment to pause, breathe deeply, and be mindful of what is going on within you. By simply being aware and present, you can break free from the cycle of self-judgment.

When you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself, ask yourself if they are based on facts or just assumptions. You can also try to reframe your thoughts into something more positive and realistic. For example, if you make a mistake at work, instead of thinking "I'm a failure," try thinking “This was a mistake, and I can learn from this." This is practicing self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a co-worker, friend, or relative.

Affirmations

Active ways of practicing self-care include going for a walk or listening to music. You can also use positive affirmations such as “I am worthy and deserving of love and respect," to remind yourself of your self-worth. Say your affirmation either out loud or in your mind. I recommend doing this at least 10 times in the morning and 10 times before bed. Your positive affirmation may not seem believable at first, but over time, we usually start to realize that our affirmation is true. You are worthy and deserving of love and respect—no question about it.

To lessen self-judgment, it is helpful to focus on your strengths and accomplishments. When we are overly critical of ourselves, we tend to focus on our weaknesses and flaws. Instead, try to focus on your strengths and accomplishments. Make a list of your achievements, big or small, and remind yourself of them when you start to doubt yourself.

Support

Always seek support from others. Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or your therapist can help you gain perspective and feel less alone. It's essential to surround yourself with those who love and support you - the people in what I call your “inner circle”.  Reflect on those who love you today - as you are - to fight off core beliefs formed in your past - and recognize that you are cared for and loved as you are. This can’t help but move you towards a greater sense of self-worth and increase your confidence. To read more, visit More On Self-Esteem and Being Perfect.

Self-acceptance is the key to lowering the intensity of self-judgment. Accepting yourself and being compassionate toward yourself will help resolve negative self-reflection and judgment. We are who we are, and accepting who you are, both the good and that which you can improve upon, will lead to less self-judgment, greater happiness, and peace.

To learn more, read Creating Change and Self-Forgiveness.