Trust In Relationships, Part 2

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How to Grow Your Relationship

Fall in love. Idolize and worship your new partner. See stars and hear bells. How magical things are at the start. Cherish and remember this time. But remember, during the first few months of a relationship, we are all on our best behavior.

After a few months, the true reality gradually reveals itself. You start to learn much more about your partner’s attitudes toward the world, their perspective on life, their views on commitment, their sense of trust, and, importantly, how they truly feel about you. Slowly, you begin to see your partner with greater clarity—the initial fog induced by the intensity of romance starts to clear away.

It is now time to take stock – to squint hard and see your partner as they truly are, beyond the surface. Ask yourself honestly: Is this truly ‘your person’? Or is it someone different from what you hoped? Can you envision a future with this individual by your side? Can you genuinely see yourself spending your life together, sharing both the joys and challenges that lie ahead?

Unconditional Acceptance

Unconditional acceptance means fully accepting your partner. It is the key to deeper emotional intimacy and happiness. If this person truly is your 'person,’ you need to ask yourself whether you can accept them as they are, not for what you want them to be.

I’m not just talking about the good things—the sex, the love notes, and the meaningful exchange of gifts—I mean all of it. There may be traits in your partner that you dislike or that drive you crazy, but if you want to grow love, you have to learn to accept and love your partner as they are.

But how? You might discover piles of unworn clothes all over her house. You realize she’s a bit disorganized—or, frankly, a slob. As your relationship gets more serious, you need to consider whether you can accept this for the long term.

Acceptance of what is becomes important. If you don’t accept your partner for who they are, your future together might be unhappy. Remember, trying to change her—to get her to see how wonderful being organized is, like you do—may be impossible.

Trying to change your partner can lead to unhappiness. Don’t have expectations of your partner that they cannot meet. Unhappiness lives in unmet expectations. To be truly happy, you must resist trying to make your partner more and more like you. They are their own person, with their own unique ways of doing things—as are you. Your goal should be to achieve unconditional acceptance.

Trust

For the first few months, you have willingly and openly given your heart to him. This is the way of new love. Soon, the question of long-term trust must be examined, as you are doomed to fail without it.

“Can I trust this person? Will they love me and stand with me? Will they be careful and not hurt me?” These tend to be the questions we ask ourselves as our relationship grows. Can you trust this person with your life and happiness? Or, will they lie and cheat? You must take time to find the answers to these questions.

“Should I trust?” and “How do we build trust?” become the most critical issues. Some of us have been hurt in past relationships and are scared of letting someone else get so close to our hearts. Yet without this trust, your relationship does not grow and eventually dies. How do you build trust?

Before you can build trust, you must understand what trust means to you and your partner. This sounds obvious, but maybe not. He may believe looking at pornography is harmless, while you consider it cheating.

Do you share an understanding of what a trusting relationship is? Do you share its bounds, its rules, and its expectations? Answering these questions is essential, so eventually you must ask them. Be specific to avoid future misunderstandings and the pain that comes with them.

Communicate clearly when you set your boundaries and explain your behavioral expectations in a relationship. Does your understanding and expectations of a committed relationship align with theirs? Honest, open, and clear dialogue and discussion pave the way for building trust and growing your relationship.

Ways to Build Trust in Your Relationship

Keep Your Promises

Trust 101 teaches us the importance of keeping the promises we make. Yet, sometimes the small things are forgotten. Don’t forget, some of the small things are the big things. When you’re running late, call or text. Walk the dog as promised and pay the bills on time.

Make your promises about small stuff as important as your promises about big things. Keep your promises, no matter how insignificant you may believe them to be. Being trustworthy has no size.

No Secrets

Keep your conversations between the two of you. However, do not keep secrets from each other. Instead, keep them for each other. Don’t forget, she might only share certain information with certain people, so keep the secret she shared with you and let her decide who to share it with.

Speak in Person

It is essential that most communication, especially about subjects of great importance, happens face to face. The true meaning of a message can get lost in a text, an email, and sometimes even over the phone. Make sure you are both heard and understood by talking face-to-face.

Earn Trust

Don’t assume trust exists; always work to earn it. When we stop taking trust for granted and make it a priority, we will be more mindful of our actions and their impact on our partner's perceptions.

Practice Unconditional Acceptance and a Non-Judgmental Attitude

Key: You might not understand why something is important to your partner, but the fact that it is important is all that matters. Before you can trust, you must respect each other and your differences without judgment. Just because you don’t value certain things doesn’t mean you should forget about them.

Be Vulnerable

Be real with your partner. This sometimes means sharing things that you keep hidden. Trust is living your truth, and by doing so, your partner will be more comfortable living theirs.

Be Supportive

It is essential to be supportive of your partner. Supporting each other is most essential when trust is first forming and growing. No one is perfect, and we learn from our mistakes.

Supporting your partner when they are trying something new or are acting outside of their comfort zone can be very powerful. This shows your partner that they don’t have to be just one way; that you will love and support them even when they make mistakes.

Being supportive of ‘the person’ completely, whether in good times or bad, allows you both to be who you really are. Knowing your partner has your back regardless of the situation goes a long way toward building trust.

Be Forgiving

Holding a resentment toward your partner is poisonous. Trusting doesn’t mean mistakes won’t happen - and when they do, be forgiving. We need to feel confident that we can make mistakes, be imperfect, and fall flat on our face while enveloped in our partner’s unconditional acceptance of who we are.

Sometimes we hurt our partner emotionally without knowing it. Both of you need to be forgiving and loving regardless. Why? Because there is faith and truth in your bond. The only way to move forward is to forgive, especially those we love the most.

Be United

Disagreeing in public or in front of friends and family never goes over well. If you disagree with your partner, take a moment to discuss what is going on later. Shaming your partner in front of others is mean, and as a loving, trustworthy partner, you must be vigilant in supporting your partner’s healthy sense of self-worth.

Practice Self-Care

Taking good care of yourself adds to the health of your relationship. We become better people and have stronger relationships when we take the time to care for and work on ourselves. We must grow both as individuals and as couples.

Continuing to Grow

Growing your relationship takes time. Communicating clearly and working daily to connect and build trust is a must. Be true to yourself by being truthful to your partner. Learn about your partner and what they expect of you. Only then can you decide if this person is ‘your person’ - the person you want to stand with and support no matter what comes.

I always tell couples that instead of turning on each other during stressful times, they should stand together and face the world as one.  To build trust, you must be behaviorally consistent and do what you say you are going to do. Be forgiving and non-judgmental.

Don’t make fun of or criticize your partner when they do not believe or act as you do. Commit to accepting your partner fully. Love all of who they are – without condition - with arms open and a willing heart.