Working on Your Relationship: Where to Begin
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When working with couples, I often hear them blame each other and point out the shortcomings of each other. The focus is on how your partner is to blame for the problems in the relationship. You think that if only they would change, the relationship would move forward in a loving way.
When this occurs, I ask you both to take responsibility for and clean up your side of the street. For change to occur, you need to look at what you do or say that contributes to the destruction of your relationship. Blaming and pointing out why your partner is the problem leads nowhere.
However, when you take the time to reflect on your behaviors and start working on what needs to change - essentially, cleaning up your side of the street - your relationship will likely begin to improve. In time, it is essential to talk about why you behave as you do in relationships by examining your past relationship history and what you learned about relationships growing up.
Improving Communication
To begin the change process in your relationship, I first recommend that you sit together and give each other at least 15 minutes of uninterrupted time to talk - and listen - to what your partner shares. When you speak, be as clear as possible, using “I” statements, and do not interrupt when your partner is talking.
When it’s your turn to talk, focus on yourself - if your partner has shared first, do not spend time defending yourself. This exercise is quick and straightforward, serving as a first step in communicating clearly with each other.