Marriage and Relationships

Therapist and Life Coach in Marlton NJ, Voorhees NJ, and Cherry Hill NJ (856) 352-5428 Contact NJTLC

Reflecting on the problems in your relationship, it is essential to reflect on what you learned about relationships in childhood. What was the ‘rule book’ your parents played by? The first place we learn about relationships is by watching our parents.

For example, were your parents kind and attentive, or were they angry or passive-aggressive? Did they support each other, or were there screaming matches between them? Who was in charge in your family? Did one parent dominate the other, pushing their agenda until they got their way? Was it okay to show emotion or not? Most importantly, how does what you learned about relationships as a child play out in your partnership or marriage today? As there is no ‘rule book’ for how to have a successful relationship, and even if there was, if you or your partner didn’t follow along, you may still be in the difficult place you find yourself today. 

The Rules of Marriage and Relationships

Recognizing the relationship rules you bring to your relationship is essential to fixing your relational struggles. You bring a unique perspective to your relationship, as does your partner. Our unique view of how a relationship needs to be usually includes:

  • What your family values are

  • What are your beliefs regarding how a partner should behave

  • What role each partner is expected to fulfill

  • What are your expectations of your partner?

Integration Failure

All of these are based on what you learned about relationships when you were growing up. Problems begin when what I call ‘integration failure’ occurs. What is integration failure? It is when you and your partner overlay your views of how a relationship should be (learned in childhood) onto your relationship, and you and your partner fail to integrate your individual views of how a relationship should be. 

This is where problems are often found, and when a couple gets stuck. Integration failure can bring disagreements of varying intensity between the two of you. Integration failure is what I most often see when a couple comes to me for marital therapy or couples counseling. 

Discussing what you learned about relationships from your parents in childhood must be addressed in your marital therapy or couples counseling sessions. The task at hand is to learn how to successfully integrate your beliefs about what a relationship should be. This is when a couple can begin negotiating around these beliefs and write their own, more successful book on relationships.