Marriage and Relationships

Therapist and Life Coach in Marlton NJ, Voorhees NJ, and Cherry Hill NJ (856) 352-5428 Contact NJTLC

Reflecting on the problems in your relationship, it is essential to consider what you learned about relationships in your childhood. What was the ‘rule book’ your parents played by? The first place we learn about relationships is by watching our parents.

For example, were your parents kind and attentive, or were they angry or passive-aggressive? Did they support each other, or were there screaming matches between them? Who was in charge in your family? Did one parent dominate the other, pushing their agenda until they got their way? Was it okay to show emotion or not? Most importantly, how does what you learned about relationships as a child play out in your partnership or marriage today? As there is no ‘rule book’ for how to have a successful relationship, and even if there was, if you or your partner didn’t follow along, you may still be in the difficult place you find yourself today. 

The Rules of Marriage and Relationships

Recognizing the relationship rules you bring to your relationship is essential to fixing your relational struggles. You bring a unique perspective to your relationship, as does your partner. Our unique view of how a relationship needs to be usually includes:

  • What your family values are

  • What are your beliefs regarding how a partner should behave

  • What role each partner is expected to fulfill

  • What are your expectations of your partner?

Integration Failure

All of these are based on what you learned about relationships when you were growing up. Problems begin when what I call ‘integration failure’ occurs. What is integration failure? It is when you and your partner overlay your views of how a relationship should be (learned in childhood) onto your relationship, and you and your partner fail to integrate your individual views of how a relationship should be. 

This is where problems are often found, and when a couple gets stuck. Integration failure can bring disagreements of varying intensity between the two of you. Integration failure is what I most often see when a couple comes to me for marital therapy or couples counseling. 

What You Learned About Relationships in Childhood and Young Adulthood

Discussing what you learned about relationships from your parents in childhood must be addressed in your marital therapy or couples counseling sessions. The task at hand is to learn how to successfully integrate your beliefs about what a relationship should be. This is when a couple can begin negotiating around these beliefs and write their own, more successful book on relationships.

What tends to get missed here is that these early “rules” don’t show up in obvious ways. They rarely walk into the room wearing name tags. Instead, they show up as reactions. The tone in your voice when you feel dismissed. The speed with which you escalate or shut down. The certainty you feel that your partner is “wrong,” without being entirely sure why. These are not random. They are learned responses that once made sense in the environment you grew up in.

And here’s where it gets uncomfortable. Most people assume they’ve outgrown their childhood. Intellectually, they have. Emotionally, not so much. When you’re triggered in your relationship, you are often not responding as the adult you are today—you’re responding as the child who learned what love, safety, and connection looked like decades ago. That younger version of you is still quietly organizing your expectations.

It’s Not What You Think It Is

This is why couples often argue about the same things over and over again, with almost eerie predictability. It’s not really about the dishes, or the text that wasn’t returned, or the tone of a comment. It’s about what those moments represent. One partner experiences neglect. The other experiences control. Neither is reacting to the present moment alone—they’re reacting to a much older emotional wound.

Integration, then, is not about compromise in the superficial sense. It’s not “you get your way this time, I get mine next time.” That kind of negotiation keeps things polite, but it doesn’t resolve the underlying conflict. Real integration requires both partners to step back and examine the origin of their rules. Where did this expectation come from? Does it still serve me? And more importantly, is it fair to impose it, unquestioned, onto another person?

Letting Go and Shedding What You Learned From Your Parents

There is also a loss embedded in this process that people don’t talk about enough. Letting go of your inherited relationship rules can feel disorienting. Even when those rules were dysfunctional, they were familiar. They gave you a sense of certainty. When couples begin to challenge them, there is often a temporary increase in anxiety. You are, in a sense, rewriting something foundational, and that doesn’t happen without resistance.

At the same time, this is where growth begins. When both partners are willing to tolerate that discomfort, something shifts. The conversation becomes less about winning and more about understanding. Curiosity replaces defensiveness. You begin to see your partner not as the problem, but as someone operating from a different internal system—one that makes sense when you take the time to understand it.

Ultimately, the goal is not to erase your histories, but to become conscious of them. When you can recognize the rules you’ve been living by, you gain the ability to choose which ones stay and which ones go. This is where couples move from being reactive to intentional. And this is the moment where a relationship stops being a reenactment of the past and starts becoming something new—something that actually belongs to both of you.