Being Vulnerable
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As a psychotherapist, I have worked with couples and individuals in their search for connection. Whether it be with your spouse, family members, or friends, failing to connect can leave you feeling completely alone. “Why do I not know how to connect with others? What is the secret others know that I do not?” As a therapist, I always explore a client’s childhood and family of origin - what was it like, and what did you learn? In childhood, we learn from our family how to be; we learn our version of what is normal. Sometimes, though, what we learned was dysfunctional or wrong.
Learning to be vulnerable is crucial to our emotional health and that of our relationships. But being vulnerable makes you open to being hurt. Why on earth would you want to do that? Some of you may avoid vulnerability as a result of being hurt in the past. You may have been hurt or betrayed by someone you trusted and were vulnerable with.
Being open and vulnerable can lead to two outcomes: either your emotional connection grows and strengthens as you trust and open up to someone, or you become vulnerable and get hurt when the person you trusted hurts you emotionally. The problem with being vulnerable is the risk it requires from us. Unfortunately, if you live behind walls and avoid being vulnerable, you have no chance of becoming closer and growing with another person.
Some people see vulnerability as a weakness. Being vulnerable is demonstrating strength - demonstrating that you dare to show up authentically and be open to connections with others without the fear of being judged. It is through vulnerability that we open ourselves up to emotional and relational growth.
As adults, we experience the full range of emotions. You may lose your job, have problems with your spouse, have financial struggles, and lose someone you love. These struggles can leave you feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable. Acknowledging and expressing your emotions during these times is crucial for staying emotionally healthy. It is through vulnerability that we can seek support, process our experiences, and create greater inner strength.
Invincibility
But, you may try to project an image of invincibility - showing that you are strong enough to survive anything that comes at you. But doing this walls you off from other people. You miss an opportunity to connect because you won’t ask anyone for help or support. Being vulnerable and asking for help can build greater connections and support systems that you may desire. If you are too afraid or too proud to ask for help, you miss an opportunity to connect with others that you may crave. Opening up to those you trust brings support and greater emotional connection.
Emotional vulnerability is crucial in building a healthy, emotionally connected relationship with your spouse or partner. It brings intimacy, trust, and joyful human connection. But you may be trapped behind a protective wall. Past hurts and traumas make it almost impossible for you to trust and connect with others.
Living behind emotional walls is most often related to a fear of rejection or abandonment. Past betrayal or emotional trauma can lead you to live in a defensive world. You use defense mechanisms for self-protection. It is important to examine what may have happened and when if you are to unravel your staunch need to live this way.
Knowing why provides insight into the problem. When you question why you live this way, you may be able to extinguish the fears of the past and decide that it’s time to live today in a connected and mindful way.
Deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem can also lead you to live behind walls to protect yourself from potential judgment or criticism. You may believe that being vulnerable will result in rejection or disapproval from others.
Some people live behind walls because of their need for control. By maintaining emotional distance, you may feel a sense of security, but living this way will not allow you to connect in your relationships. Others may try to get close, but you push them away because of your fear of being hurt. You desperately want to be close, but when you have the opportunity to be close, your fear and need to control just PUSH others away.
How Therapy Helps
One of the greatest gifts therapy provides is confidentiality. In my office, you can be who you truly are. What you say and what we discuss is kept strictly confidential. Being able to share who you are with me in confidence provides an opportunity for personal growth. Confidentiality removes fear. You are encouraged to come out from behind the wall you may be living behind. You will not be judged.
I provide clients with what is called “unconditional positive regard.” No matter who you are, I accept you as you are. This provides a safe and non-judgmental environment for you to explore and understand yourself and, if you fear being vulnerable, the reasons why you wall yourself off from others. I listen with empathy, which helps you to identify and discuss your underlying fears and insecurities that may prevent you from being vulnerable.
In therapy, we work to uncover past traumas that led to your fear of vulnerability. Looking at and understanding your past traumas allows your unresolved emotions to come up and out. I help you delve into your past experiences, process, and heal from deep-seated wounds that may contribute to your fear of being vulnerable.
We will work to develop healthy coping strategies to manage your fears and anxieties. Exercises such as mindfulness, self-compassion, and emotional regulation can help you take down your walls and become willing to be vulnerable.
To become vulnerable, you must work on communication skills and build trust with your partner. Open and honest communication is essential in letting trust and intimacy grow. Talk about your fears and insecurities with your trusted ‘other.’ Talking about fears and insecurities can foster understanding, compassion, and a foundation for vulnerability within the relationship.
Overcoming emotional barriers takes time and patience. Taking small steps towards vulnerability, such as sharing thoughts and feelings in manageable doses, can help you build confidence and gradually let go of your defenses. Make sure you surround yourself with safe people, those who create a safe space for authenticity and vulnerability. You can find this in therapy, support groups, or with trusted friends and family.
Accept and embrace your imperfections. Accept that perfection is not real and that you are sometimes going to make mistakes. Embracing your imperfections allows you to approach life with a sense of vulnerability. Read more in the Love and Commitment and Marriage Counseling blog posts.
To be vulnerable requires you to be free of fear. Learning about that fear, why you have it, and where it comes from is crucial in your struggle to stop walling yourself off from others, to become emotionally close to others, and to stop feeling the pain of being isolated and alone.