Self-Worth

Therapist and Life Coach, Voorhees NJ and Cherry Hill NJ (856) 352-5428 Contact NJ Therapy and Life Coaching

To live a full and happy life, one must cultivate lasting, positive feelings of self-worth and personal value. Some individuals maintain steady, positive self-esteem, while others experience fluctuating feelings of self-worth and struggle to cope with life's highs and lows. Fluctuating, unstable self-worth occurs in people who let their sense of value depend on external factors, such as their job, financial status, or lifestyle. When this happens, we are being co-dependent, relying on things beyond our control to feel worthy and successful. Uncontrollable outside influences can eventually take over one's life, dictating one's level of self-worth. Good experiences lead to positive self-esteem, while negative experiences diminish our sense of worth. 

What is co-dependence?

When I think of co-dependence, I immediately associate it with addiction and its impact on the family. For example, addiction theory often highlights the co-dependence experienced by the addict's spouse. This kind of co-dependence shows up when the spouse allows their emotions and daily life to revolve around the addict. If the addict is doing well, they are doing well. If the addict is struggling, they also suffer.

Co-dependence Broadly Defined

My view of co-dependence is much broader. It includes the reliance people have on things outside of themselves that negatively affect their self-esteem and often define it. We can be co-dependent on our job, our wealth, or the people we surround ourselves with.

We are considered co-dependent when we allow external factors beyond our control to influence our self-worth. To maintain a positive and steady sense of self-worth, it’s essential to address, challenge, and overcome co-dependence on external elements.

Co-dependence, Self-defeating Behavior, and Conquering Negative Core Beliefs

When we let things like our job, how much money we have, or who our friends are define who we are, we are likely to experience a fluctuating sense of self-worth. Remember: we have no control over external things like these. So, when life doesn’t turn out the way we expect, our sense of worth and value can drop. For example, you go out on a date with someone you think is perfect for you—dreaming of a wonderful life together—but then you find out this person isn’t interested in a relationship.

Or, you are expecting a promotion at work, but your boss passes you over and gives the job to someone else. These are painful experiences, and a co-dependent — someone who defines their worth and self-esteem based on uncontrollable circumstances like these - will experience a drop in their sense of self-worth and feel negative about themselves.

Inner core beliefs such as ‘I am a failure’, ‘I am worthless’, or ‘my life will never change for the better’ reinforce negative feelings of self-worth. In these cases, dependence on relationships and jobs becomes a way of defining oneself, leading to a significant decrease in feelings of positive self-worth.

Co-dependence As a Teeter-Totter

Co-dependence on positive things outside of the self also affects a person’s sense of self-worth. For example, you do indeed receive the promotion you've been coveting after, and in turn, you receive a substantial pay raise, a company car, and an expense account. You are flying high, as you should be, and feeling great about yourself and your future. Your sense of self-worth feels rock solid. Life is turning up roses—your feelings of self-esteem and self-worth increase as a result.

Yet, only yesterday you were considering a job change because you aren’t enjoying your work. As time passes, you want the promotion and its benefits, but discover that you still dislike your job.  Even though your life improved in specific ways as a result of your promotion, you notice that your sense of self-worth begins to decrease. Things worsen as some of your core negative beliefs arise. You say to yourself, ‘why am i still stuck in this job? There must be something better out there.’

Next, you begin a job search. Six months later, you remain dissatisfied and have been unable to find a better job. Feelings of failure begin to set in, and your sense of self-worth drops further. What initially bolstered positive feelings of self-worth - your promotion - no longer provides positive validation. Your sense of self-worth, which you believed to be high, suddenly plummets as you realize that the raise and other benefits you received on the front end don't hold up. Reliance on your profession to bolster your self-worth has failed. By continually relying on things outside of yourself, the things you cannot control, your chances of being let down are a certainty. Co-dependence on positive experiences may lead to low self-worth due to disappointment with the outcome. Co-dependence on things outside of yourself, be they positive or negative, often causes people to feel that their life is out of their control. Your inner world and your sense of self-worth fluctuate at will as the result of the powerful influence of co-dependence.

An Inside Job. Cognitive Behavioral Strategies

I’ve heard it, you’ve heard it too. ‘It’s an inside job’ - and lifelong feelings of positive self-worth must spring from within. Co-dependence on positive things outside of yourself (that you have relied on to feel good about yourself) must go. You cannot define yourself by how much money you have, how powerful a job you have, or who your friends are. You have control over you and you alone.

The road to increasing and stabilizing your sense of self-worth begins by digging deep and identifying negative core beliefs about yourself and challenging them. If at your core you believe that you are 'worthless', take steps to explore that belief fully. Is that belief something you were born with? Unlikely. Or were you taught by another to believe this about yourself? Who or what made you think this?

Take time to identify and challenge all negative core beliefs you hold and explore the origins of those beliefs. We are not born with negative core beliefs about ourselves. These beliefs are taught, forced upon us, or formed because of negative life experiences. Transform your self-perception by diligently identifying and challenging your negative core belief systems.

Uncovering & Quantifying Your Value As a Person

Loving people celebrate and affirm people. Hateful people, however, hurt people by deflecting their self-hatred onto others. Be cautious not to accept negative perceptions others have instilled in you or would have you hold about yourself before thoroughly examining all the facts. You will find that the hate and judgment others have laid at your feet are most often without merit. Fight off and correct your negative inner core beliefs by affirming yourself: ‘I am valuable’, ‘I am enough just as I am’, ‘I am a good, loving person.’ None of us is worthless, and I believe that each person has intrinsic value. You are valuable just for being born. Don't forget: mean, emotionally abusive people weren’t born that way. They became that way.

Self-Worth Defined. Internalizing Your Value As A Person

The past is gone, the present is a gift, and the future is limitless. Take control of your life by letting go of co-dependence. Discover and re-integrate the inherent worth and value you were born with. Embrace your value as a person, and do the work necessary to rediscover, rebuild, and maintain a positive sense of self-worth. Feeling valuable and worthwhile is your birthright. Once achieved, guard your newly discovered sense of self-worth diligently, and don't let anyone or anything take away from you what is intrinsically yours.