Setting Family Boundaries
Therapist and Life Coach in Marlton NJ, Cherry Hill NJ, and Voorhees NJ (856) 352-5428 Contact NJTLC
Many of us spend the holidays with our families, and no one seems to traverse our boundaries like family members. Although you are an adult, parents can sometimes, or all the time, treat you like the child you once were. Frustration (anger) and embarrassment (shame) may come forth as a result.
Mom telling stories of how difficult you were as a child, or dad shunning you about how you spend money, can make you so angry that you may never want to see them again! Being told what to do, what is right and wrong, and what needs to change in your life can feel so foreign to your current life and so painful to experience that you never want to see them again.
They Push and Push and Push
Sometimes, setting boundaries with non-family members is easier than with family members, like mom, dad, and other relatives. They may not respect your boundary-setting and push back because they want us to stay the same as we’ve always been. To accomplish this, they push and push, disrespecting your boundaries, to keep you the way they remember you during childhood.
Self-Protection
If you don’t set any boundaries, you are wide open to absorb both the positive and the negative. Having no boundaries and being wide open can be painful because you are letting in not just the positive, but the negative as well. Setting what is called a protective boundary will help you let go of the negatives that come your way.
I suggest visualizing yourself in a wetsuit from head to toe, with only one way in, a small door that only you can open from the inside. When the negative comes, imagine it hitting the wet suit and rolling off, seeing the words or even the letters of the words fall off onto the floor. When positivity comes, open the door to let it in.
The negative may initially sting. However, when you visualize letting it roll off the wetsuit, the intensity of the negative dissipates. Working the protective boundary effectively requires mindfulness, an awareness of what is taking place in the moment. You are no longer wide open now that you know how to protect yourself. To learn more, visit Difficult Parents And In-Laws and Let Go Of Resentments.
Work the External Boundary
When it comes to family, being protective can seem impossible. As your family wants you to be as vulnerable as you’ve always been, they may push and push and push - trying to break your protective boundary. In this case, please be vigilant and avoid repeatedly setting your protection.
This situation may require what is called the external boundary. This boundary informs the offending person of your feelings and asks them to change their behavior toward you. To help the offender avoid defensiveness, we need to share how their words or behavior affect you.
How To Set An External Boundary
The way to set an external boundary can be quick by saying “When you _____ I feel _____ and I would prefer _____. Setting this boundary may or may not help. You've said what you needed to say to protect yourself.
Setting an external boundary with family can seem ineffective, as they may ignore it. To be protective, you may need to set your boundaries repeatedly. Be consistent, because if you give in just once, the offending person learns they can get past your boundaries.
I believe that setting personal boundaries not only protects the person you are today, but also protects the child inside yourself, your “inner child”. Would you allow a child to be unprotected from the negative? Of course not. When you reflect on this reality, you understand why protecting yourself is essential.
Recommended blog posts: Difficult Parents and In-Laws and Defining Personal Values.