Marriage Counselor, Therapist, and Life Coach in Voorhees NJ, Marlton NJ, and Cherry Hill NJ (856) 352-5428) Contact New Jersey Therapy and Life Coaching
When Things Aren’t Equal
I recently began therapy with a couple who are struggling with arguing. After taking a history and working through how the arguments looked, I discovered that a financial issue was at the root of much anxiety and discomfort.
Money is never just currency—it is meaning, security, identity, and belonging. When couples seek marriage counseling for financial arguments, the real struggle is almost always emotional rather than mathematical. In this case, two financial histories collide: one partner grew up in financial scarcity and sees survival as a way of life, while the other inherited wealth as an adult but lacks skills in budgeting, planning, and investing. This tension is common in relationship therapy, particularly among couples navigating different socioeconomic backgrounds.
Where You Come From
The husband comes from a family where saving was not modeled. In financially stressed households, retirement planning can feel abstract or unnecessary; the best—and sometimes only—plan is to work until you physically can’t anymore. Social Security becomes the imagined safety net. This mindset does not stem from irresponsibility but rather from generations that prioritize survival over long-term planning. For him, identity is tied to work rather than to investing.
The wife inherited money later in life but never learned how to grow it. Her grandparents saved aggressively, but she did not witness how wealth accumulates—she simply benefited from it. She is financially resourced but emotionally inexperienced. When she encourages budgeting or investment discussions, she is seeking to protect her future, yet her partner may interpret this as criticism or a display of superiority.
These competing stories activate insecurity. She wants teamwork—someone to learn with her. He hears something different: “You are inadequate.” This is a common theme in couples therapy, especially when one partner has more financial literacy or access than the other. Men raised with traditional expectations often equate financial competence with worth. If he cannot contribute financially the way he imagines he should, discussions about 401(k)s and retirement planning do not feel like education—they feel like shame.
Money Becomes Symbolic
Her inheritance represents safety, but to him it represents inequality—proof she has something he cannot give her. Instead of bonding over shared growth, they begin to battle over perceived power, autonomy, and identity. His anger is a defensive response to feeling small, not a rejection of financial knowledge. When money is tied to dignity, conversations can turn reactive, explosive, or avoidant.
The wife, on the other hand, may carry her own fear. She did not earn the money she has—she received it. That can create anxiety around losing it, being judged for having it, or mishandling it. When she urges learning or planning, she is actually expressing vulnerability. But because he hears criticism instead of fear, her message never lands in the spirit intended.
What this couple is experiencing occurs more often in a therapist’s office than you would think, especially with individuals who grew up in contrasting cultures of wealth. Their conflict is not intellectual—it is emotional. They are fighting childhood messages, not each other. One fights not to feel powerless; the other fights not to feel alone.
Our work with this married couple would uncover their unconscious beliefs around money. The husband must recognize that learning about budgeting, investing, or retirement is not about his worth—just something new he has not learned. The wife must recognize that her requests may come across as threatening to someone whose identity has always been tied to working hard rather than accumulating wealth.
From Blame To Growth
Therapy helps reframe financial discussions from blame to growth. The couple needs to see financial literacy not as evidence of failure but as a shared learning process. Talking about the past in therapy —scarcity, fear, class insecurity—can reduce explosive reactions. When both partners feel understood, the conversation shifts from “You don’t get it” to “We’re learning this together.”
Structured money talks can help: brief, calm, scheduled conversations that are not triggered by anxiety or stress. Financial coaching, learning about budgeting, and investing are important. However, they should occur only after emotional safety is built. Money conversations become productive once shame, comparison, and fear are “named”.
It’s About Deeper Emotions
In therapy, couples often discover that money arguments are really about deeper emotional patterns. Healing occurs when partners understand that their reactions make sense given their histories. No one is broken—they simply inherited different emotional and financial knowledge.
Ultimately, money fights are rarely about money. They are about identity, safety and security, and self-worth. Once a couple recognizes this, financial discussions become not just possible but transformative—not only for their bank accounts, but for their relationship, communication, and emotional intimacy.