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Does Your Partner Have an Avoidant-Attached Way of Connecting?
It’s surprisingly common for one partner in a marriage to say, sincerely and repeatedly, “I love you,” while being emotionally or physically unavailable. From a psychological perspective, this is not usually about dishonesty or lack of commitment. It can be caused by an “internal divide” between caring deeply and knowing how to stay emotionally present. Love can exist alongside distance, even though that combination is painful for both partners.
What Does Saying “I Love You” Really Mean?
In our work with couples, we sometimes find that one partner can say “I love you” while being emotionally and physically unavailable. But love and emotional distance aren’t mutually exclusive; you may love your partner, but be unable to stay emotionally connected. This often indicates an attachment style termed avoidant-attached. You or your partner may value independence, but it can also lead to emotional unavailability, which is what I’m addressing here. If you are avoidant-attached, you may often feel withdrawn, uncomfortable, and shut down when emotional or physical intimacy is called upon.
Avoidant-Attachment Styles Develop In Childhood
It is thought that attachment styles form in childhood. Many avoidant-attached adults grew up in households in which their emotional needs were ignored, discouraged, or inconsistently met. The avoidant-attached person learned in childhood that relying on others was often disappointing and painful. For them, self-reliance is the only thing that makes sense. In adulthood, avoidant-attached individuals may love their partner but be distant to protect themselves from being hurt. They are emotionally unavailable because vulnerability is associated with this past pain and disappointment.
Disappearing Into Their Shell
In a marriage, the avoidant-attached partner may struggle to express affection, avoid or shut down during emotional or personal conversations, and withdraw entirely when they feel overwhelmed. They have gone into their shell of self-protection. If we examine their childhood development and family-of-origin history, it’s no wonder that this occurs. When they are emotionally overwhelmed, the only place they know to go is deep inside themselves.
But how does their partner feel? They are told “I love you,” but their avoidant-attached partner doesn’t demonstrate love through their actions. This may be confusing, but upon closer examination, it is easy to see why it occurs. As a partner, you may feel abandoned or avoided and become resentful of your partner's struggles with attachment. Many couples become stuck in a pursue-withdraw cycle without understanding why it keeps happening.
Can Your Relationship Really Work?
Being in a relationship with an avoidant-attached person may seem impossible. You can rarely get close, and your need for connection remains unmet. To bring an avoidant-attached partner closer, we recommend being open and avoiding pressure or threats. Demanding things will just make things worse. Your partner needs to feel safe to be vulnerable. If they fear abandonment or hurt, they withdraw. Don’t force the connection; let it happen over time.
Physical and emotional closeness often develops through consistent moments rather than dramatic breakthroughs. Shared routines, brief check-ins, low-pressure touch, and predictable time together can slowly help your partner to associate closeness with safety. For avoidant-attached partners, reliability builds trust more effectively than intensity.
Therapy is often a turning point in these relationships. Individual therapy helps the avoidant partner understand their attachment patterns and the early experiences that shaped them. Marriage counseling provides a structured, safe space to interrupt long-standing cycles, improve communication, and help you feel seen without becoming overwhelmed or defensive.
In your relationship with an avoidant-attached partner, love alone does not automatically create closeness. Emotional and physical availability require safety and mindfulness. With insight, patience, and therapeutic support, you can build a more connected relationship—one where love is not just spoken but backed by emotional availability and clear actions that signal that your partner is “in it” with you.