Marriage Counselor, Therapist, and Life Coach in Voorhees NJ, Marlton NJ, and Cherry Hill NJ (856) 352-5428) Contact New Jersey Therapy and Life Coaching (NJTLC.com)
When You Are Competing With His Mom
Your spouse doesn’t wake up and say, “Today I will compete with my husband’s mother for the title of Most Important Woman in His Life.” It sounds crazy, but it does happen, and we’ve worked with couples who have this problem. No woman wants to face this situation. She tries to be nice, while her resentment grows.
It May Be Subtle, It May Not
In the beginning, this competition is subtle: your husband says, “Mom always used this laundry detergent,” “Mom thinks we should...," “Mom said..." and suddenly, you’re part of a three-person dynamic. If you’re newly married and still figuring out your relationship, still learning how you both navigate life together, you might unexpectedly feel like a guest in your own marriage. Not fun.
This can lead to frustration and anger: Who is the most important person in his life now? Marriage involves an emotional shift - you are now creating your own family, and not staying primarily connected with your family of origin, or your mother. If you discover that your husband is still emotionally connected to his mother's approval (usually in an unhealthy way), it might feel like you’re fighting for a position of importance that shouldn't be in question.
Your mother-in-law might be extremely pushy - not subtle. “Nobody Will Ever Love My Son as I Do.” While she may not verbalize this directly, she hints at it through comparisons, corrections, surprise visits, and a tone that suggests helpfulness but actually feels like she’s raking you over the coals. We’ve even had couples report that the wife and mother-in-law were screaming and yelling at each other.
Lonely, Anxious, and Controlling
Sometimes she’s not “mean.” She’s anxious. Lonely. Controlling. She’s used to being in charge and having your husband treat her so. In her mind, she’s maintaining standards. In your mind, she’s criticizing you and your marriage. And your husband sits trying to keep everyone happy, which usually means nobody is happy and he’s doing nothing to correct the situation.
This is an issue of boundaries. Some families are close in a healthy way. Others are what is called “enmeshed”. In those families, independence can feel like betrayal, and the adult child learns early: “If Mom is upset, I must fix it.” Your husband might genuinely think he’s being a good son.
This triangle shows up most during big life moments—weddings, babies, holidays, buying a house—because those moments force a question: Are we building our own traditions or just reenacting childhood ones? If he automatically defaults to Mom’s way and argues with you about the changes you want to make, you may feel like you’re climbing a mountain you didn’t even know was there.
The Innocent Bystander
Your husband may say he feels “stuck in the middle,” but there isn’t a middle. There’s a marriage—and in a marriage, your spouse comes first. When he copes by avoiding the issue, trying to keep Mom happy, calming you down, and hoping it fades, the pattern gets reinforced, and resentment builds.
This dynamic can hit your self-worth hard. You start wondering why her opinion seems to matter more than yours, and a boundary problem starts feeling like a lovability problem. Then every interaction feels loaded, as if you’re always being evaluated instead of respected.
Changing the Dynamic
The goal isn’t to compete with his mother. The goal is a strong couple alliance: your marriage becomes the center where decisions are made. You’re not trying to erase his relationship with her—you’re trying to make sure it doesn’t run your relationship.
Start with language that describes impact rather than blame: “When you check with your mom before we decide together, I feel sidelined. I need us to make decisions as a team.” Then set boundaries that are short, calm, and consistent: “That doesn’t work for us,” “We’ll get back to you,” “We’re doing it this way.”
Most importantly, boundaries work best when they come from him speaking to his mother. If you do it, you might become the villain, and he sits as an innocent bystander. If this has been happening for years, couples therapy can help you reset the rules of your marriage. Your husband needs to understand the importance of speaking up and showing that you, not his mother, are the most important person in his life.