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Why the heck do I still need your approval?
You accomplish something you’re proud of. You tell someone whose opinion matters to you. They say, “Oh, that’s nice,” and change the subject. Suddenly, the accomplishment feels smaller. What the heck is wrong with them? Five minutes ago, you felt good, accomplished. Now you’re disappointed, even sorry you brought it up. What the heck just happened? You did the same thing you were proud of five minutes ago. But somehow, their reaction now decides whether the accomplishment was worth being proud of. That’s a lot of power to hand somebody who may just be wondering what’s for dinner.
I’m too old to fall for this again
Most of us would like to believe we’ve outgrown this. We’re adults. We pay bills, raise families, run businesses, deal with all kinds of things we’d rather not deal with. We shouldn’t still need somebody to tell us we’re doing a good job. And yet, one dismissive comment from a parent can ruin an afternoon. A colleague gets recognized, and we’re wondering why nobody mentioned us. Our partner doesn’t notice what we did, and now we’re making a mental list of everything we do around here. Apparently, this need doesn’t disappear just because we get older.
Your ego
This is where the ego gets involved. I’m using “ego” the way we usually talk about it: the part of us concerned with how we’re seen. Do people think I’m successful? Smart? Attractive? Do they respect me? Do I matter here? We all have some of this. But it can get out of hand. You make a mistake and spend twenty minutes explaining it because you can’t stand the thought of looking incompetent. Someone disagrees with you, and you’re still arguing with them in your head on the drive home. You have to wonder why this particular opinion matters so damn much.
When did this all start?
For some of us, this started a long time ago. Maybe you were the smart kid, the good kid, the athlete, or the one who never caused any trouble. You figured out what got you attention and approval, and you kept doing it. Your parents may have loved you very much. You still may have picked up the idea that you needed to perform a certain way to keep everyone happy. So you kept producing. Good grades became a good career, a nice house, an impressive life. Somewhere along the way, you forgot to ask whether you even wanted it all.
Other people grew up barely getting noticed. Someone else always got the attention. Your accomplishments were brushed off, or somebody immediately pointed out what you could have done better. You finally got the A, and the response was, “Well, why aren’t all your grades like that?” That can stay with you. And sometimes this develops later, after years with a critical partner or in a job where nothing you do seems good enough. Eventually, you find yourself working harder and harder for a little acknowledgment from people who aren’t giving you much.
Not giving yourself credit
Then, when you finally get the recognition, it doesn’t always last. Someone tells you that you did a great job, and you feel good for a while. Later, you’re wondering whether they meant it. Were they just being nice? Why didn’t someone else say anything? You wanted the compliment, got the compliment, and now you’re picking it apart. It’s exhausting. And it leaves other people trying to reassure you about something that never seems to stay reassured for very long.
Look at how much of your life this can take over. You agree to do something you don’t have time for because you like being the person everyone can count on. Then you’re angry that nobody appreciates how much you’re doing. You explain a perfectly reasonable decision three different ways because someone still doesn’t approve. You buy something, take a position, or pursue a goal partly because of how you hope it will make you look. Here’s an uncomfortable question: If nobody knew you were doing it, would you still want to? You may not love every answer.
Others' response: What are we really looking for?
So what do you do with this? Start by catching yourself in the act. You told somebody what you accomplished, they didn’t give you much of a response, and you’re about to tell them again—with a few additional details so they understand just how impressive it was. Stop for a second. What are you looking for from them? And what are you telling yourself because you didn’t get it? “I wish they’d shown more interest” is fair. “Nobody gives a shit about me” is a much bigger conclusion. Give yourself a chance to notice the jump before you run with it.
You also have to get better at giving yourself some credit. That can feel awkward, especially if you’re used to criticizing yourself all day. But you can acknowledge that you handled something well, worked hard, or did something that took courage. You know what went into it, even if nobody else does. And you’re allowed to ask for appreciation: “I put a lot into this. I’d like you to acknowledge it.” That’s a reasonable thing to say to someone close to you. If they consistently dismiss you, that needs attention, too. You don’t have to take all the blame for feeling unappreciated.
You’ll probably always enjoy being recognized. I certainly wouldn’t suggest turning down a sincere compliment. Enjoy it. But give your own opinion a little more weight. When you finish something you feel good about, let yourself feel good for a minute before checking whether everybody else agrees. When you make a decision you’ve thought through, practice living with someone being less than thrilled about it. This takes work, especially if you’ve spent years looking outside yourself for approval. You can start small. You were proud of what you did before you told them. Their reaction deserves some consideration. Yours deserves more.